ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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