do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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