I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
