and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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