i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
