The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
