Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I am available for nakedness
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
