You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
