Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
