I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
