he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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