They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
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