Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
