i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
