Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
