i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
