i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
