Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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