In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
