I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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