drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
