My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Apparently you make a good broom.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
