My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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