im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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