It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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