Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
