That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
