Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
