How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Plan B is the new Plan A
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
