Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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