Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
