if you like me you must not know who I am
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
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