I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
