I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
