I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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