just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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