Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
