There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
