i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
