Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
