she looked like the before picture.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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