So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
