I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
