i'm lost and i look like a hooker
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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