I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
