Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
