Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
