This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
