there's paper in my vomit.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
