I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Randomize
