oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
