U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
